Serenity

Have you ever woke up way earlier than you'd like, and just couldn't go back to sleep? Well, here I am...with all kinds of idea's swirling around in my head. Mostly about Levi. I was thinking how sometimes we take things for granted without even realizing it. At least I have. I've taken for granted that all of my children, except one very special one, have been able to, for the most part, learn with ease everything they've needed to learn through their different stages of development. Maybe some things were harder to learn than others, but they've learned them.

 For Levi, it has been difficult learning things, that to a typically developing child, learns naturally.  Levi is 9 years old and still cannot do most of his own self-care. I bathe him, brush his teeth, help him wash his hands after he uses the restroom. Levi is able to dress himself, but usually puts his clothes on backwards and doesn't seem to realize it. Levi is still not able to do the academics of a kindergartener...but we're getting very close!

 He has excelled in a particular area this year and has made us all so happy for him! Levi is able to feed himself every meal with eating utensils. It took 6 or 7 years of consistent work at every meal for this, using the hand over hand technique. Now it's completely natural for him to sit down, bow his head (something we did not have to teach him) for the blessing and then pick up his fork and feed himself, even though the bites are humungous! We'll work on that later. For now, we'll take it just like it is, with a big smile! We are so very proud of Levi for being able to feed himself now. He worked very hard to hurdle this obstacle. For Levi, things that may seem small for most children are huge accomplishments and deserve celebration (along with a happy dance!).

 But, he can't talk. Unlike some children with Autism, Levi did not start talking and then regressed. There was, what seemed like the beginnings of language development around a year to a year and a half old. He began with the sound "ma-ma", but it never went beyond that. For me, it seemed that if he could make those sounds, he had the physical ability to speak. I worked and worked with him, especially early in the morning in our bed when we were waking up. There was something in me that felt like if I tried hard enough, I could get him to talk. And, believe me, I tried. Hard. There was something in me also, that felt like a complete failure. And I remember how heavy that failure felt. I felt like I should be able to help him... I feel for the parent that is just coming to terms that their child is not developing normally. No matter how much we want to talk about Autism Acceptance, there's something deep-down, in every parent that wishes that their child was normal. At least I do. Not for my comfort or convenience. Not at all. But for Levi. I accept Levi and love him just the way he is. But it is so very heart wrenching to see him struggle so hard. That's the part I wish I could take away!

 So...What I couldn't get off my mind this morning is this: language is a gift. It is precious. If I could somehow give my words to Levi, so that he could have words, this very minute, I would rejoice in doing so. I would gladly give, so that he could have.

 It's hard to understand why some children naturally learn to talk by the environment of words they live in. They start by making consonant-vowel blends first: da-da, na-na, ma-ma, ba-ba...and then these begin to evolve into words. LindyAnn is making all these sounds right now. And I have to be honest about something, in the backside of my mind, I am worried that she will begin to show signs of Autism. Maybe you wonder why. It's not a lack of faith or an irrational fear. For many parents, having one child with Autism could mean that it may resurface with a second and even third child. It is too common, that when parents have a child with Autism, their chances of having other children with Autism becomes much higher. Over and over I find myself having to choose to trust God here and completely leaving this concern with Him.

So where is the balance here?... because I have to bring myself around to having a proper perspective on where we are with our challenges.

 Recently, I've had the priviledge of meeting a very precious lady. We've talked on the phone and emailed back and forth a few times. In one of our conversations, she told me that she had a precious daughter who was Autistic, Gina. Gina, just a few short years ago, went home to be with the lord. Losing one of your children is so very painful. Gina's mama shared some of her resources with me and in one of the envelopes, was an outline of the program that she set up in her home, for her daughter. I cannot express to you how much this has helped me to gain a fresh perspective and to release some of the burden I have felt with the weighty responsibility we have with helping our Levi.

She named her program, "The Serenity Program", and she built the whole program on the "Serenity Prayer". Yeah, I know, we've all come across this neat little prayer so many times. But until my friend gave this to me, I had never taken the time to read this prayer...and meditate on the words and what they really mean. WOW! You know, it just is not in our power to change EVERYTHING... even when you want to badly enough.

 God, grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
 the courage to change the things I can,
 and the wisdom to know the difference.

 This is what I needed. We can trust God to give us the wisdom and discerment, not only with Levi, but with all of our children, to train and nurture them in a way that is fully productive, helping our chidren be all they can be. Loving them, and by doing so, teaching our children how to love. We know that doing these things are pleasing to Our Father.

 In light of this fact, and knowing that there are going to be things that we cannot change, communication in some form is possible. Verbal communication is what we're shooting for, because we believe that Levi can do it! Neither we nor Levi are afraid of hard work. So working hard is what we'll continue to do.

Parenting is in no doubt, challenging, but it is one of the most rewarding endeavors Trevor and I have ever experienced!

Angela, Levi's Mommy

Believe in your dreams...

 A new, deep respect has developed in me for "fundraising" this year. A new respect for those who have "dreams" that are too big for them to float on their own and enter the "World of Fundraising". Your dream has to be important enough to even come to that place. And it's humbling. Getting people to "believe" in what you're doing and rallying people to come to your cause is hard and emotionally draining. But when you believe in your dreams...you do what you have to do.

When you believe in your dreams...

Honestly, it was the dreams that made me believe in what we're doing. Two particular dreams.

Both were about Levi.

Both, he spoke.

Both, he said, "Mommy, I love you.". 

I've heard his voice in my dreams.


 Both times, it was so real, and so vivid, it was as if I could really feel him hugging me and feel his warm breath on my face. As I woke up, I had that sick feeling in the pit of my stomach, because I wanted it to be reality. Desperately.


 I feel so certain that God gave those dreams to me as a gift.A gift that is the driving force behind doing whatever we need to do to give him the tools. I know deep down that those dreams were *meant* to motivate me and to help me BELIEVE that Levi will talk.

 Levi is such a precious little guy. He melts me right down to the floor when he crawls up into my lap and wraps his arms around my neck. He gets the sweetest little flat "sheepish" smile across his face that would most assuringly put a bright spot in anyone's day. When you celebrate his accomplishments, like wiping his mouth with a napkin at the dinner table, he is so pleased. Yes, he is precious indeed!

 I know we have said a million times, how we are forever thankful to all of you who have walked through this with our family. You have prayed, you have given, you have supported us with encouraging words. Many of you helped get us through our crisis with LindyAnn and prayed relentlessly for her when we didn't know if she was going to be able to pull through. But she did. I believe Levi can pull through this too! I cannot express to you how my heart feels, that we have had so many who have been willing to walk so much of our journey with us. Those of you who are family, those of you who we have only met once or twice, and many of you, we have never met at all... We have grown to love all of you so much. You have become like family to us. 

 Thank you for believing with us.

 Thank you for believing in Levi.

 Thank you for loving our family and leaving an imprint in our hearts!

<3 Levi's Mommy, Angela